My Secret Diary

We are 1000! Ty guys for visiting me, I have my first feedback in guestbook too :), for now, my life is going really well and I'm focusing on my studies and I'm happy that I learned CSS and HTML, just for my digital space, sadly, today is not gonna be a serious and a diary about my mind, but in the future I'll type about my feelings, my thoughts and some things, like, 'how can I solve this problem?', nostalgia, rock :) and yeah, stay tuned, love u guys.

Sometimes I just want to vanish, probably everybody feels this feeling, but I feel this constantly. I have my sister, who is younger than me and she says some bad words to me. I mean, I buy things with my money for my family, and my mom and sister sometimes are pretty arrogant with me. My sister said these days: "If you give me something, it's mine, so if you want to use it, it's better to not buy." And it's just a fucking headphone, tf. My headphone broke these days and I took her headphone to study and gave my JBL to her to listen to her music and use on her PC. I mean, I just want to be grateful. I'm taking your stuff that I bought because mine broke, and I thought the person who I helped could help me either. And yeah, I don't know anymore. My mom and my dad take her side and don't really give a shit about me. They are not bad parents, I love my family, but I'm frustrated right now. I work, I study, and I suppress all this sad feeling. Everybody feels like this these days. Everything is depression, everything is weakness, isn’t it? I don't know anymore. I just put these things in my mind—now here too—and nobody will know about this. I don't want to either.

I'm flirting with suicide recently, but I won't do it. I think this is just selfish, you know? My dad, my mom, my grandmother and grandfather—they all worked really hard and passed through hard situations in their lives. So it's not right I just finish everything because of little things.But these words, attitudes, my work, anxiety, insecurity about my future, my life, myself... I just want to vanish, reset my mind. I like to be alone. Just me and God. Solitude. I like to be just me and my soul.

I have friends. I have a good family. I have a good life. But I don't know why I feel this way. I think I'll never tell this entire thing to anyone because I don't know how to explain myself. Probably most people would understand, but yeah, I prefer to keep these feelings in my heart, share with God and no one else.

Sorry for some English errors. My main language is not English, and I'm just using my brain to write (typing) this text. I hope better years come to me.

I have good abilities to talk with people personally, but with a cell phone, Instagram or WhatsApp, I frequently feel just tired. I answer their messages, but sometimes I don’t feel happy to talk. I want to be alone so frequently. I like to study, play, train in the gym, but almost always on my own—just me. But with people personally, I transform into someone else: more happy, I smile, I do jokes and I help so many people, even with these types of things. But rarely I feel comfortable to tell my things to them, even less with my family.

I believe I feel these things because of my childhood. When I was younger, and I was studying, I was constantly bullied. I studied at one of the best schools in my city—a private school. I did very well on tests and was considered an excellent student. I had few friends, maybe 2 or 3 including me. But I knew and talked to several of them sometimes. I thought I had real friends. I was teased because of my appearance or hair. At the time, I was shorter than the others, chubby, and had a kind of quiff. LOL. Sometimes they put me on a list of the ugliest in the class, or the girls teased me. Even though at that time, there were some who liked me—I don't know why—but these things were killing me inside without me noticing.

I left that school in 2018 and entered a new private school in 2019. It was 9th grade, and honestly, it was really good. I had grown up a little, changed my haircut, lost weight, made lots of friends, and I was never bullied. It was something completely different from my old school. I was very happy at that time and didn’t want to be alone. But then 2020 came. The pandemic. I changed schools again—this time to a renowned state school in my city. I started 1st year of high school. Unfortunately, I lost my first and second year because of the pandemic. I know it was a horrible event, but I loved staying at home, even though it messed with my mind. My musical taste changed drastically. I started listening to more sad songs, rock, trap... my clothing style changed too. I went into a more emo/goth vibe, even though now I dress more neutral to avoid judgment. Still, that vibe is in my soul. In 2018, I had a group of friends in a Discord server. We stayed close until around 2020. The server’s owner—who was my friend—got influenced by some people from my old school. They spread rumors about me, and he began pushing me away. I would join a call, and everyone would leave. They kicked me out just for fun. I was ignored. I begged to come back like 3 times. It was pathetic, honestly, but I was 14 years old. There were about 6 against me and 3 neutral ones. I felt horrible. Genuinely, I almost ended my life, but I got scared and didn’t do it. I stayed away from the server and those people. I spent about a year and a bit alone. I played games I liked alone. I learned to enjoy things alone. I found the gym during that time. In 2021, one of my neutral friends from that server called me. He was kind. He had created a new server with his school friends, and we played together a lot. Games like Dead by Daylight. That game stayed with me the most. I invited another neutral friend to play too, and that lasted for a few months. The old server, from 2018, basically died. That’s why my friend created a new one. Slowly, some of the old people came back. I tried to be nice, not hold grudges, but they clearly didn’t like me. Sometimes they treated me like trash. I hated it, but I just ignored it. Whenever they were in a call, I wouldn’t join. Eventually, I stopped joining altogether. Nobody asked why. Nobody messaged me. It seemed like that group just wasn’t for me anymore. Maybe it was meant to be this way. In 2022, my last year of school—it was amazing. The pandemic ended. I enjoyed parties, made friends, had relationships. I found out I hate alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. I miss those days. I don’t think I isolated myself at all back then. After that, I started studying to get into med school. And man, it’s killing me. This is my third year trying. Since 2023. I won’t give up until I make it. But honestly? I feel so discouraged. I study because it became routine... or maybe because of God. But working and studying together made my mental health worse. It wasn’t good before. Now, it’s worse...

I think about my taste in things and how it always seems to be a duality, I really like rock, gothic and sub-gothic culture, and obviously I'm not generalizing, but this community tends to go to one side with people who are very into going out, drinking, smoking and also religions linked to spiritualism and so on, I love this aesthetic but I don't like drinking, smoking and I believe in God and well, you might think, what the hell is that to see, these characteristics and tastes don't inhibit me from having a superficial friendship with someone, but going too deep or talking about topics where both of us disagree ends up shaking that relationship, besides, normally those who believe in X things want to be in a social circle where they believe in the same thing. Regarding clothes and behavior, I've always been a nerd for things, anime, games, old consoles, y2k culture, Fruitiguer Aero, etc., but I don't seem to like it, even because there's a lot of a kind of messed up look of people who like that, like otaku, etc., and in fact there are VERY weird and mentally ill people who love these things, but I have a total repulsion and a way of, unconsciously, not being associated with that is to behave in a 'normal' way, which ends up inhibiting attracting people who have the same tastes and are cool and who like the same things. I've met several, but I noticed that these people did this too. As for clothes, I would love to dress VERY alternative, piercings everywhere, very extravagant, loose clothes, etc., but I do care about other people's opinions and I end up dressing a little more relaxed and I've never gotten tattoos or piercings, things that I'm still going to do, you can be sure, but my social circle, manner that I say and they think they would find it very strange, not that I specifically care about that, but it is strange that a person from group Y does not like group X but I want to dress and I like many things from group X, even though I belong to group Y.

For a long time I've always been popular, I had/have many friends, I've always had an easy time communicating, starting conversations and being relaxed, I've always been with a lot of girls and even dated, but the way I acted in groups, not that I forced myself like that, it was really me, but it seemed to suck my energy somehow, as if another personality took over at that moment and little by little this made it so that even though I was surrounded by people, knowing that not all of them were true friends, but there were a few who were, the feeling of tiredness and melancholy still took over me, even having a good family and a good life, frustration and fear of the future take over me, many consider me an inspiration for my intelligence, body or way of acting but internally I feel like simply disappearing and I have less and less desire to interact, like going to parties, I really don't like it, of course I'm already in a party/show environment, I'll enjoy and take advantage of it, but I don't care about going alone or gathering a group of people to go and Honestly, I'm at an age where it's still very normal to feel like going to parties, drinking, smoking, and even taking drugs. However, I've never had the urge, and any traces of having had the urge have been fading away over time. I'm at a point where I feel like I can't connect with anyone anymore. Not men, but women. Honestly, I've never had to try very hard to get or have 'contacts' [I'm not boasting, please :p]. But recently, I don't feel like it, and when I talk or someone calls me, it always ends up turning into a simple friendship or something very superficial, like hanging out for a day and then it ends. Some might say that this is normal, but I feel like it isn't. I don't feel that urge to socialize or make new friends. Like, I'm tired. It seems like my old friends and family are enough. However, I worry about not being able to connect with another woman in a deep way in the future. Like, fuck, I want to have a family, but I know that this is temporary and may or may not be just a moment in my life, and I believe it is, but still. I'm worried about these things and my future in general.