Sometimes I just want to vanish, probably everybody feels this feeling, but I feel this constantly. I have my sister, who is younger than me and she says some bad words to me. I mean, I buy things with my money for my family, and my mom and sister sometimes are pretty arrogant with me. My sister said these days: "If you give me something, it's mine, so if you want to use it, it's better to not buy." And it's just a fucking headphone, tf. My headphone broke these days and I took her headphone to study and gave my JBL to her to listen to her music and use on her PC. I mean, I just want to be grateful. I'm taking your stuff that I bought because mine broke, and I thought the person who I helped could help me either. And yeah, I don't know anymore. My mom and my dad take her side and don't really give a shit about me. They are not bad parents, I love my family, but I'm frustrated right now. I work, I study, and I suppress all this sad feeling. Everybody feels like this these days. Everything is depression, everything is weakness, isn’t it? I don't know anymore. I just put these things in my mind—now here too—and nobody will know about this. I don't want to either.
I'm flirting with suicide recently, but I won't do it. I think this is just selfish, you know? My dad, my mom, my grandmother and grandfather—they all worked really hard and passed through hard situations in their lives. So it's not right I just finish everything because of little things.But these words, attitudes, my work, anxiety, insecurity about my future, my life, myself... I just want to vanish, reset my mind. I like to be alone. Just me and God. Solitude. I like to be just me and my soul.
I have friends. I have a good family. I have a good life. But I don't know why I feel this way. I think I'll never tell this entire thing to anyone because I don't know how to explain myself. Probably most people would understand, but yeah, I prefer to keep these feelings in my heart, share with God and no one else.
Sorry for some English errors. My main language is not English, and I'm just using my brain to write (typing) this text. I hope better years come to me.
I have good abilities to talk with people personally, but with a cell phone, Instagram or WhatsApp, I frequently feel just tired. I answer their messages, but sometimes I don’t feel happy to talk. I want to be alone so frequently. I like to study, play, train in the gym, but almost always on my own—just me. But with people personally, I transform into someone else: more happy, I smile, I do jokes and I help so many people, even with these types of things. But rarely I feel comfortable to tell my things to them, even less with my family.
I believe I feel these things because of my childhood. When I was younger, and I was studying, I was constantly bullied. I studied at one of the best schools in my city—a private school. I did very well on tests and was considered an excellent student. I had few friends, maybe 2 or 3 including me. But I knew and talked to several of them sometimes. I thought I had real friends. I was teased because of my appearance or hair. At the time, I was shorter than the others, chubby, and had a kind of quiff. LOL. Sometimes they put me on a list of the ugliest in the class, or the girls teased me. Even though at that time, there were some who liked me—I don't know why—but these things were killing me inside without me noticing.
I left that school in 2018 and entered a new private school in 2019. It was 9th grade, and honestly, it was really good. I had grown up a little, changed my haircut, lost weight, made lots of friends, and I was never bullied. It was something completely different from my old school. I was very happy at that time and didn’t want to be alone. But then 2020 came. The pandemic. I changed schools again—this time to a renowned state school in my city. I started 1st year of high school. Unfortunately, I lost my first and second year because of the pandemic. I know it was a horrible event, but I loved staying at home, even though it messed with my mind. My musical taste changed drastically. I started listening to more sad songs, rock, trap... my clothing style changed too. I went into a more emo/goth vibe, even though now I dress more neutral to avoid judgment. Still, that vibe is in my soul. In 2018, I had a group of friends in a Discord server. We stayed close until around 2020. The server’s owner—who was my friend—got influenced by some people from my old school. They spread rumors about me, and he began pushing me away. I would join a call, and everyone would leave. They kicked me out just for fun. I was ignored. I begged to come back like 3 times. It was pathetic, honestly, but I was 14 years old. There were about 6 against me and 3 neutral ones. I felt horrible. Genuinely, I almost ended my life, but I got scared and didn’t do it. I stayed away from the server and those people. I spent about a year and a bit alone. I played games I liked alone. I learned to enjoy things alone. I found the gym during that time. In 2021, one of my neutral friends from that server called me. He was kind. He had created a new server with his school friends, and we played together a lot. Games like Dead by Daylight. That game stayed with me the most. I invited another neutral friend to play too, and that lasted for a few months. The old server, from 2018, basically died. That’s why my friend created a new one. Slowly, some of the old people came back. I tried to be nice, not hold grudges, but they clearly didn’t like me. Sometimes they treated me like trash. I hated it, but I just ignored it. Whenever they were in a call, I wouldn’t join. Eventually, I stopped joining altogether. Nobody asked why. Nobody messaged me. It seemed like that group just wasn’t for me anymore. Maybe it was meant to be this way. In 2022, my last year of school—it was amazing. The pandemic ended. I enjoyed parties, made friends, had relationships. I found out I hate alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. I miss those days. I don’t think I isolated myself at all back then. After that, I started studying to get into med school. And man, it’s killing me. This is my third year trying. Since 2023. I won’t give up until I make it. But honestly? I feel so discouraged. I study because it became routine... or maybe because of God. But working and studying together made my mental health worse. It wasn’t good before. Now, it’s worse...